A friend gave me a cradle--a bassinet, really, with several parts, back when I first announced my pregnancy at work. I brought the pieces home to our nursery. I didn't set it up at the time, just left it in pieces on the floor.
When Truman died, I resolved to always call the nursery the nursery. But what to do about those empty pieces of bassinet. The cradle was there, but it wasn't even assembled. It stayed in the corner until my in-laws came for Christmas.
As I prepared the house for them, I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable for the empty cradle to stay, in pieces, in the nursery. In a few maddening moments, I scooped up the pieces and stuffed some into our closet, and the main basket was thrown into the garage. Hiding places. Hide my pain. Hide this sorrow. Private pain, you see.
Pieces of a cradle, pieces of my heart. Can't sort.Try to stuff. Longing. Always with me.
Empty cradle, broken heart.
4 comments:
I guess I sort of understand your pain in a way. We have just gotten some VERY devastating news about our own journey to start our family. Every now and then I feel the urge to throw things that remind me of the pain, confusion and the loss of a dream. My situation is different but I can sense that there may be similarities in the pain. I'm sorry you have to feel that way. It is just plain lousy.
Nothing articulate to say. Just love for you and how you so beautifully express the intimate things of the heart. Call me when you are free because I'm missing your voice.
Sundy...you are one of the choicest daughters of God!! I have missed out on following you on your blog. Reading of your sweet little baby has made me crying out loud for the past 10 minutes. He will always be missed!! Your broken heart shows just how much love you have and what a good mom you are.
And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
“And [Christ] was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?” (Mark 4:37–38).
I wondered at one time if Christ cared that I was so sad . I had good desires. I honestly felt like I was perishing...dwindling away into an unhappy and lonely person. But, I love the next line and I feel that Christ said it with tenderness not belittlement....
‘O ye of little faith,’ and He stretched forth His hand and He calmed the tempest,”
Hold on Sundy!! You're strong and you are doing much good. I love you Sundy!!!
I cry because of your sadness, and I cry because of how deeply you are loved, and how beautifully you and they express it.
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