On Feb 2nd of last year, I'd had a pretty great day at work and came home to have dinner. I wanted to check on some insurance information and went to open a drawer when I felt the sensation of water coming from inside me. I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time--way too early for my water to break, way too early for labor, way too early for all my dreams of being "mommy" to be dashed.After calling the on-call doctor and being told it may not be too bad, to wait it out and call the doctor in the morning, and after trying to get in touch with my doctor all the next day for an ultra sound that would finally be scheduled two days later, I went to bed with the blessing Tyler gave me as my only source of peace.
In the early hours of Feb 4th, I learned deeper meanings of the words loss, pain, numbness, cold, emergency room, toilet, placenta, baby, suffering, and anguish than I had yet to experience. Tears and screaming escaped without warning. Love and compassion poured down and out from my eternal Father, eternal companion, and my eternal family and friends.
Grief is something you travel on your own. It doesn't matter who else "had a miscarriage" or "lost a loved one" when you are the one who is hurting. Sympathy is not needed and empathy does not exist, for each person's suffering is unique, save Christ only.
How grateful I am that the Lord entrusted me with a little time to learn the honor of motherhood. How blessed I feel to have deeply personal experiences that assure me of life beyond the mortal grave no matter how awful and dark that grave may be.
I made this quilt to symbolize the baby we never held in our arms, but now hold with our hearts. It was our miscarriage, never to be replicated, never to be forgotten.
4 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried in November. A few people sent flowers, but it was a harsh reminder of the baby we had lost, so we took them to the hospital and found nurses who had long-term patients who would appreciate them. We have decided to make it a tradition to take flowers to the hospital each November in memory of the baby we lost and in service of others who are struggling as well. I am always interested in hearing how other couples memorialize their loss. Thank you for sharing this.
I'm sitting in a crowded library, attempting to write an article for the Scroll after being chastised for not turning it in on time. A sad Kris Allen melody is streaming through my ears as I read your true, simple words about your loss. I'm getting that feeling deep in my chest...the one that feels like your heart is beating up through your throat, trying to keep the tears down. Loss is so individual. I don't feel your pain, but I feel my own pain for your pain. I love you.
Thanks for sharing Sundy. We love you and love the lessons you teach us. The quilt is beautiful. It is so true that we all have unique grief, and deal with it differently. One book that helped me, and has helped others in my life that have had a loss of one kind or another is "Tear Soup." I think it's a wonderful resource for any counselor to have in their arsenal. Check it out. Miss you guys!
Beautiful and amazing quilt, especially knowing what it represents. Wish there were some way to help ease the pain.
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