Doing this

I sat in a group of fellow grad student counselors yesterday, explaining why my life is hard right now. I basically have a 30 hour a week job (my internship) like the rest of them, but I also am taking six classes with a total of 30 assignments due throughout the semester. Crickets chirped, then they all told me I was crazy and needed to drop classes and graduate a year later.

Hmm. There are plenty of reasons for "doing this" that I did not share with my classmates. But, dear readers, I will share them with you:

1) My end goal in life is not to be a family therapist. I desire to a mother.

2) Motherhood has not been "happening" the way I figured it would, so the Lord provided me this in-between time task to increase my ability to love and nurture children when they do come.

3) When children DO come, I want to be out of school.

4) School costs a LOT of money.

5) A LOT of money needs to come to our family to pay for the said experience, as well as any necessary arrangements for children to come to our home.

6) The longer I am in school, the more tuition rises and number of classes increase.

7) Whether or not I get to be a mom in the near future, I need to be done with school to progress our family's future.

Thus, I grind through, supported by the Lord and my husband, cheering friends and family members, and apparently NOT my fellow graduate student counselors.

:)

Thoughts from my dad

I've had similar thoughts to this for a long time now---an email from my dad to my brother serving as a missionary in Japan:

Dear Paul, September 19, 2010

We had a life changing experience at our Empty Nester's FHE on Monday night. Yes, they let us come even though two of our four have flown back to the nest for a short rest. Dr. Raquel Cook came to our back yard, and shared some lessons that she has learned from Nine-Eleven. Nine years again she lost over twenty co-workers from the attacks in New York.

Raquel grew up in Utah County, and even graduated from BYU. But a nagging anger consumed her, and Raquel had to get out of Happy Valley. After graduating, Raquel lived in 38 different countries in her 20's; India, South Korea, China and Saudi Arabia to name a few. When asked if she was ever in danger traveling around the world, Raquel responded that the only place in her life that she had been mugged at gunpoint was in Salt Lake City. Utah. Go figure???

The Lord allowed Raquel to meet and work with Mother Teresa in India. While intending to merely meet her, Mother Teresa put her right to work helping to comfort Lepers, providing compassion and comfort to these outcasts.
Prior to meeting the Dalai Lama, Raquel Cook was instructed to prepare by fasting from speaking for an entire week, which was next to impossible for her. Raquel's goal was to asked for help in dealing with the anger that consumed her soul. But in not being able to articulate her thoughts for that very long week, the anger question was swept away, and was replaced with a greater desire to have more compassion for others.

In London, while doing her Master's degree, Raquel lived with Muslem, a Jew, a Christian and an Atheist. These five women developed a warm openness, and shared in great detail their beliefs. Her Muslem friend would shared passages from the Quran, and Raquel would offer latter-day scriptures in their evening devotionals. They were both amazed at how much they had in common. Before parting, her friend gave Raquel a Quran with engraved on the cover, and hugged her whispering "You have made me a better Muslem". "You have made me a better Mormon".

Yes, in unusual and remote locations, Raquel kept running into members of the Church. She has been endowed in the Temple. Raquel sees so many parallels in the many religions she has learned of. We're not the only people who cloth themselves with garments. God speaks in so many ways to his children throughout the earth.

On the way to work with an investment firm on September 11, 2001, Raquel was rescued from under a parked car as the buildings were falling around her, and thrown into a darkened basement where she wondered if Armageddon had arrived. Surviving the attacks on New York City, Raquel walked through thick ashes fearing she was walking on the dead consumed in the furnace of the explosion. Life shattered with loss, reliving the nightmare over and over, and then rebuilding her life, Raquel turned her energy towards teaching students at American Fork High School, and now at UVU. Many have been lifted through her vision.

Raquel Cook shared a powerful summery of her sojourn through many lands and cultures with these words; "I studied Taoism in China, and I read the Analects of Confucius. I've visited temples in Asia and mosques in the Middle East and cathedrals in Europe. I have immersed myself in 38 countries and attended religious ceremonies of Jains, Jews, Sikhs, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Baptists, Mormons, Shintos, and Native Americans. I've been to the Vatican and the Ganges and Mecca and Salt Lake, and never in that tim e or in any of those places did I meet a single person who was different from me."

We are children of the God who loves us intensely. Love, Dad

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed in two ways. First. . .

My tension headaches, itching ears, and sore jaw that I can pop back and forth are back. They came as I started seeing clients at my internship. So far I have a client who was abused by her Mormon stepmom until she was 18 (my client is a recovering meth adict and in her 40's now), a 10 year old whose alcoholic mom can't see him until she can get clean and sober, a 27 year old woman whose husband forced her to get an abortion and now makes comments like "you killed my baby" to attack and control her, a woman from South Korea who has a 4 year old boy whose been acting out the violence he saw his dad act out on his mom (strangling) and now is kicked out of preschool while his mom tries to work 2 jobs at Japanese restaurants, a family with three kids and parents who plan on divorcing when their 9 year old turns 18, and a young couple who are both in recovery from heroin.

I have been a caregiver my whole life and if anything is going to teach me that I am NOT powerful enough to "fix" other people, heal other people, or change their lives--this internship will.

Second. . .

I am overwhelmed by the compassionate love of Jesus Christ. Overwhelming sweetness, calm, peace, and POWER washed over me as I read the words of Isaiah moments ago:

For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded. Therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

And the Lord is near, and he justifieth me. Who will contend with me? Let us stand together. Who is mine adversary? Let him come near me, and I will smite him with the strength of my mouth.

For the Lord God will help me. (2 Ne 7)

Wow. Strength from above, yes, the enabling power is swarming in my heart right now. . . And then he speaks even MORE directly to me and people like me who feel the need to do it all and never feel like it is enough:

"Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light?

Behold all ye that kindle fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks, walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks which ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand."

I'm stunned. I am NOT powerful enough to "fix" other people, heal other people, or change their lives. . .but He is.

Letter to Paul

My brother is serving a mission in Japan. I wrote this today and feel like pondering it more. . .

Dear Elder Peterson,

My heart is brimming with hope this morning as I feast on the words of Isaiah. I’ve felt a drought in recent days, reading for reading’s sake but only feeling “fluffed”, not filled. This morning, like Nephi, I can say “my soul delighteth” in Isaiah’s words. Now don’t get me wrong, the historical, prophetic parts of Isaiah’s words are still a mystery to me, but I liken his words to my life, and I find deep parallels.

I’ve been reading in 1 Ne and am overwhelmed by how much God loves those who make covenants with Him. So much of my life I’ve felt an obligation to please God and serve Him so I can obtain blessings. I’ve also felt extreme guilt when I’ve disobeyed His laws, knowingly or otherwise. I remember saying family prayer one night while in high school. I must have said something in the prayer like “Please help us to be more worthy of the many blessings we enjoy.” After the prayer, Mom wrapped her arms around me and said something about how God ‘s love for us is not based on what we do but because we are His. That felt like a contradiction to me and my 16/17 year old mind couldn’t handle the paradox: so God loves us the same no matter what we do, but God can’t bless us unless we keep His commandments. Being blessed is the same as being loved, right? WRONG.

Isaiah speaks to all of us who have once covenanted with Him but then estrange ourselves from Him (doesn’t that include everyone?). If the Lord only loved the perfect, He’d have a pool of zero mortals to love. He says “oh, all ye that are broken off, and scattered abroad”; that’s exactly how I feel when I recognize my weakness and errors-broken off from the love, good for nothing but being burned up. But before I lose hope, Isaiah says “Listen” and “harken from afar”. . . Even when I stumble, I have made covenants (I have been WILLING), and that’s what He’s asking from me. There’s this beautiful dialogue between Isaiah and the Lord (and I’m likening it to me and the Lord”

The Lord: “Thou art my servant, oh Israel, in whom I will be glorified.” (1 Ne 21:3)

Sundy: “I have labored in vain. I have spent my strength for naught and in vain; surely my judgment is with the Lord” [I haven’t done it all, I haven’t been what I needed to be, so I know Thou will judge me harshly]. (1 Nephi 21:4)

The Lord: “In an acceptable time have I heard thee. . .and I will preserve thee.” (vs. 8).

He will preserve me!! In the chapter before the Lord says “I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction” (20:10). So even though sometimes I do chose to cut myself off from feeling the Lord’s love or cease to have His Spirit to be with me and feel like that limb that’s only good for being thrown into the fire to be burned. . . I will be preserved! I will be made finer than gold that perishes in fire (1 Peter 1:7); yes, all I will have is a pile of ashes; “Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes” (Job 42:6); “I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping” (Ps. 102:9). And then our most merciful God, through His Son, the Redeemer, will take us in His arms to

“appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified (Isa. 61: 3).

What a process! To be a part of Him, then be cut off, then be burned to ashes, then be restored, only this time gloried, solidly planted in the Lord.

I can’t speak a part of what I feel today. I love you in this journey of ashes and joy and mourning and praise! My prayers go up to our merciful Father every day in your behalf.

Sundays

There's a certain serenity to Sundays. You know when a day is so calm and clear and you just feel holy and you think, "It feels like Sunday"? I love that Sunday comes before Monday, that you get two days of "weekend play" and then there's a day of consecration before putting your hand to the plow again on Monday.

I made a commitment a long time ago to not do certain things on Sundays (like watch TV, do homework, etc.) that for me are personal decisions; how I choose to keep the Sabbath day.

No, God will not smite me for watching a non-church movie on Sunday, nor will I fail classes if I chose to do homework, nor should I be the judge for anyone else about what they should or should not do on Sunday. I just know that as I continue through my journey of mortal life, I get heavy. And having a day of rest--true rest--is paramount. For me.

An illustration:

My freshman year at BYU I made it into Concert Choir. This was a special year for Concert Choir: it was the first and last time (to date) that they were invited to go on tour. We didn't get to go to South Africa or Ireland (like the smaller group, University Singers, did). No, we got a 3 night, 4 day all expenses paid bus trip to the Pacific Northwest (e.g. Portland, OR, and Vancouver, Washington).

There were some wonderful moments during this trip, including singing at the Portland temple groups and watching a blind middle schooler sing his heart out while our choir shed silent tears. There were great acoustics, bright lights, and funny moments. But what I remember most happened the Sunday we drove back to Provo. The whole trip we stayed with host families who graciously provided us with meals and a place to sleep. My host family the last night happened to be LDS, and since they knew the next day was the Sabbath, they made sure to pack a large sack lunch for my travel.

The buses left after breakfast. I spent the day chatting with fellow choir members, singing hymns, trying to make a dent in Lectures on Faith. Around 5 p.m. (about 4 hours from our destination), the buses stopped and Sister Hall announced that we would be eating at Golden Corral for dinner. I was confused--wasn't it Sunday? Didn't we all have food from our host families? Everyone unloaded and gathered for a prayer. My unease remained. As we walked inside the restaurant, I can still see the plates stacked and the feeling I got when I reached out for one: this did not feel like Sunday. I put the plate down and went back to the bus.

As I boarded I noticed several other people quietly seating, reading scriptures or trying to sleep. These peers were not making bold declarations of "holier than thou how dare you break the Sabbath"; they just sat in the peace that I felt stronger and stronger as I made my way to my seat. Thickness caught in my throat and my eyes filled with unexpected tears. The Lord's outpouring of love surprised me. He had seen my little sacrifice (after all, I still had food--I'm sure many others on the trip did not, and regardless, Sundays on the road can be seen as ox-in-the-mire moments for sure) and He wanted me to know it.

Only later as a missionary did I come across this scripture in Isaiah about the Sabbath day:

13 ¶ If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:

14 Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.

That is exactly what I experienced on the bus in 2002: being fed with the "heritage of Jacob", which to me was so much more filling than any buffet, even Golden Corral, could hope to be.

The Path to Him

Hi all,

We got Tyler's rejection letter from the only medical school he applied to yesterday. We had been waiting since October for the news--this was the school here in Portland that he was on the alternate list for last year. :(

Yes, it is sad, heartbreaking, and FRUSTRATING. But the Lord has been so good to us. We've felt comforted and feel led to a couple of options for the current time. However, Tyler is no quitter. He'll reapply when the time is right. When people ask about how Tyler has approached his applying to schools, the general conversation goes like this:

"Tyler did well on the MCAT (32Q) and had a high science and general GPA (3.9). This was year three of applications. The first two years he applied to over 10 schools, each time getting 4-5 interviews and 2-3 wait-listed positions to different schools. This year he ONLY applied to OHSU (here in Portland) because I am in school and my program won't be done until April 2011."

I'm telling you all this so you don't have to ask all the details. I mean, of course you can ask questions if you want, but you know how it goes: "So, has Tyler heard from medical school?" and "Oh, no. What are you guys going to do?" It just kind of rubs the rejection in again :). Yes, he has heard. No, we do not have definite plans for the future. No, he is currently not considering PA school, chiropractic school, nurse practitioner school, Caribbean school , etc. He IS considering a Master's of Healthcare Administration here in Portland, but that's not for sure, either. Life is up in the air, and asking about it doesn't make it any more clear.

Does this post sound angry? I'm not angry, well, at least right now I'm not. I just know how well-meaning people ask lots of the same questions, and repeating answers wears on my already weary soul :)

Like I said, the Lord has comforted us. It doesn't make sense. But this is, of course, because we only get to see the current puzzle piece. When life is over and we see the work of art God made of our lives, I know we'll be grateful. One of my favorite quotes I found on my mission says that "our detours and disappointments are the straight and narrow path to Him." (Pres. Hunter said it, and I believe it with all my heart).

The Beach

The youth from church got to go on an overnight beach trip, and that meant Tyler and I got to go as well. Did I ever mention that my family (of origin) has never been a camping family. Tyler comes from one, but I think I have rubbed off on him. We didn't even have sleeping bags until the day of the camping trip when I went to pick them up at Freddies.

We crammed 3 15-16 year old boys into our Corolla and ended up at Camp Meriweather in the pitch black RAIN. Duh, Sundy, camping requires more than a sleeping bag. I did not have rain gear (which really is a must for Oregon, anyway), a flashlight, extra socks, etc. It made for a pretty cold and miserable night. After a jog on the beach (I actually found an unbroken sand dollar for the first time in my life, including 6 years of living on the Chesapeake Bay), the rain had cleared enough for us to go on a 5 1/2 mile hike to Cape Look Out. "Look out" is right, particularly after a night full of rain. The mud was thick, and of course it started raining as we made our way through the "temperate" rain forest :). Yes, this picture is me, not a friendly troll, all decked out in three sweatshirts, a blanket, and the emergency poncho I found in our roadside emergency kit in the trunk.

Of course, all of that gear eventually got pulled off and traped back in my arms with my no-longer-white socks when the sun came out. I was so muddy, tired, and cranky, Tyler and I skipped the lunch of hotdogs back at camp and traveled to an oh-so-heavenly beach house at Rockaway Beach (I won lodging at this beach house in a service auction at church, which is a story in itself, but I digress).

What a night and day experience: warmth, light, comfort, & peace filled my soul and body at this sanctuary of civilization, all after "roughin' it" with the youth in the rain.
This is my dazed and happy look of disbelief that I could be so lucky to be at the beach with my honey. . .

Yes, it was a wonderfully romantic trip, and I had to show a picture to make you jealous :)