It's challenging to accept, admit, and live with the fact that I am not always sunshine. This role of bringing sunshine to the lives of others has been one I've carried, yearned for, and tried to execute since the time my Grandma gave me the nickname. I started realizing when I got married that Tyler tends to more optimism than I do. Wait. . .I thought, isn't that my role? Isn't it me that brings sunshine? I've had several conversations with loved ones of late (you know who you are) where I have stepped out of the sunshine role and stepped into a place of "this is me and if you love me you'll like me"--it's been met with resistance, frustration, some acceptance, and a comment that "the old Sundy wouldn't say things like that."
Hmmm. This is challenging, as I've mentioned. Doing a family therapy program wasn't supposed to change ME, it was supposed to change the lives of the people I help. I have spent the majority of my days of earth trying to "bring sunshine into the lives of others."
That's not to say that others have not brought me joy, nor that I don't enjoy serving and lifting others. Both are true. I am currently searching for the balance of being true to myself (which for many years I did not think was possible because that would break the sunshine role) and be a compassionate daughter of God. The words of Elder Holland ring in my head today:
"Negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable. . .'The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience.' We should honor the Savior’s declaration to “be of good cheer.” Indeed, it seems to me we may be more guilty of breaking that commandment than almost any other!" (Tongue of Angels, May 2007).
So I admit it: I've been stressed, pressured, anxious, and yes, even grumpy. I'm trying not to 1) beat myself up for feeling this way 2)blame other people/circumstances for feeling this way or 3)abandon the ones I love while I "get over it". I am going to 1)be real about how I'm feeling, 2) "Look and live" and 3)keep pluggin' along.
4 comments:
I think we all struggle with the perception that others see of us. Sometimes it helps us be better people by trying to live up to what other see. But sometimes it causes us to mask who we are.
I'll always see you as sunshine even when you have bad days or grumpy moods. Thanks for always sharing the positive side with me. But I want you to know that it's still okay to be yourself when you're not feeling all that positive.
Okay, so I (your mother) realize that I was the one who said, "The old Sundy wouldn't have said that." I would just like to point out that the old Sundy WOULDN'T have said it, even if she was thinking it. But I understand that you are experiencing some life and learning processes that require you to take deep and honest looks inside yourself... and that a lot of the rest of us should probably do that, too. So, I'll just put on the padding so I can be a sounding board, and realize that your heart will find its true shape, and stretch back into it permanently, once you get the cotrol over your life back in YOUR court. That's the nature of the graduate school experience... you have no control over stuff! For now, it's fine with me if you need to say what you think and feel... as long as you keep blogging so we can hear your heart beating!
Again, Sund, just have to say I love you. Keep pluggin' along.
Well, I for one ENJOYED sharing a grumpy moment with you.
Who wants a sister or friend who is always happy and seems perfect? Not me. I like the real, honest, nitty-gritty grumpy stuff :)
Loves!
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